How do other moms get their children to school on time?
Why does homework become a battle every evening?
When will things ever get better?
What am I doing wrong?
Quotes on comparison inspire many people but they are almost never a healthy choice for a neurodivergent mom parenting neurodivergent children. I fell into the comparison trap as a young mom. Why couldn’t my kids behave? It was so embarrassing to become the parent I spoke unkindly about in the parenting classes I taught as a single person with no children.
I played into the comparison game because I didn’t have the right tools to measure success—for me as a then undiagnosed ADHD mom trying to parenting three as of yet undiagnosed autistic children. I was using a 12-inch ruler to measure everything including my waist size.
But everything changed when I learned the language and knowledge of the neurodivergent community. My eyes were suddenly opened to so many possibilities and I felt hope for the first time in a long time.
A differently wired brain requires better measuring tools.
As I have increased my knowledge about parenting neurodivergent children, I’ve also studied comparison. Here is what I have learned:
3 different types of comparison (and why they matter to parents of neurodivergent kids)
There are 3 types of comparison: counterfactual, social and temporal. The first two are dangerous for parents of neurodivergent children while the last one can actually be helpful for our overall well being.
1. Counterfactual comparison: imagining a different future
What is counterfactual comparison?
This type of comparison describes what is versus what might have been. Some common descriptions are “the road less traveled” or “wishful thinking.” I think it is fine to be nostalgic about past things, but when we fixate on what our lives—and the lives of our children—could have been, it can become dangerous for our mental health.
Most neurodivergent parents grieve for their idea of what family life was “supposed” to be like. Getting stuck in what might have been can make you and your children miss out on a lot of good things.
- Not every kindergartener learns to read the first semester.
- Not every teenage male is going to enjoy playing team sports.
- Those B/C students bring valuable insight into class discussion.
- An inability to follow the rules can be a sign of dysregulation or an overstimulated nervous system, not disrespect.
This is why we need to measure our children’s success by different goals. We wouldn’t expect a fish to ride a bicycle! Why do we try to force our kids to fit molds that are not designed for them?
How to overcome counterfactual thinking as a parent
The quickest way to turn off counterfactual comparison is to redefine our measures of success. Here are some suggestions:
- Success is rarely linear.
- Concepts that are hard for neurotypical children can be much easier for our neurodivergent children to grasp.
- Success is going to look different each day due to our emotional, mental and physical capacity.
- Think beyond sticker charts and behavior systems and encourage emotional self-regulation.
2. Social Comparison: comparing your neurodivergent child’s behavior to their neurotypical peer
What is social comparison?
Social comparison is the type of comparison most commonly used by parents. It is comparing yourself or your children against people who are very different from you and them. The problem is that when we do this, we are not comparing two exact things. Each of us are made up of our own mix of DNA and experiences and that needs to be taken into consideration.
Comparing your neurodivergent children to neurotypical children is an exercise in futile frustration for everyone. Let’s use the comparison of apples to oranges to get a better idea of how problematic this is:
- Apples and oranges are fruit but no one expects them to taste the same.
- Apples and oranges have a huge taste range from sweet to tart.
- You use a different type of either fruit for baking versus eating.
- An apple has more fiber but an orange has more Vitamin C.
- Apples and oranges are trying to be different things because their DNA is inherently different.
Our children are going to accomplish different things at different times. We shouldn’t try to make them something they are not.
How to overcome social comparison as a parent of neurodivergent kids
We cannot use the same 12-inch ruler to measure every type of success for our neurodivergent children. Here are some different tools you can consider:
- Use individual goals based on your child’s strengths, not a generic checklist based on classmates or siblings.
- Look at a time range for your individual child to measure progress (where did we start in September versus how are we doing in December).
- Build on concepts like agency (ability to make free choices) and capacity (ability to carry out the free choices).
- Neurodivergent kids often prefer in-depth learning on their subject area interests. They are experts on their area of choice.
- Use the educational concept of scaffolding: build support around your child (without doing things for them) and slowly remove the scaffolds as your child makes progress.
3. Temporal Comparison: the only type of comparison that is useful
What is temporal comparison?
Temporal comparison is looking at what is versus what can be. An example of this is a high school student who looks at his life in ten years. He might imagine
- A college degree
- An apprentice program
- A trade program
- A gap year
With some information, thoughtful consideration and parental input, he might see even more options:
- A certificate program or boot camp experience.
- Working as a tradesman
- Working for himself
The idea is to see what can be possible. Of course, things get in the way and not everything will come to be, but it’s powerful to dream big.
I firmly believe temporal comparison is the only type of comparison helpful to us neurodivergent moms because it’s the only kind that gives real tangible hope. Our family’s case study:
Me: What do you want to do when you graduate?
Kid: [Shrugged shoulders.]
I nagged.
They withdrew and shut down.
We were both frustrated.
So I:
- Studied the college admissions process
- Read some books.
- Talked to college admission experts
I was then able to engage my child in the process. After some trial and error, we discovered that online classes suited their needs better than traditional college programs.
How to stop comparing your children to other people’s children
So how did I stop comparing my children to other children? I realized how unfair it is that the world measures every person by the same cookie cutter standards with no allowances for anything.
If you didn’t meet the standard you were defective.
I knew this wasn’t true, so we found neuro affirming places that embraced our differences—both mine and my children’s.
Neuro affirming is
- Believing in and advocating for my child’s strengths
- Tailoring support to their needs
- Introducing adaptations in neurotypical places where possible
Neuro affirming is not
- Cookie cutter one size fits all parenting or teaching
- Using a master checklist for every single child or parent
- Ignoring a person’s lived experiences
My littles became big before my eyes. I do experience regret when I remember that unknowing mom who compared herself and her neurodivergent children against all the typical childhood benchmarks.
We fell short and got stuck and that wasn’t helpful for any of us on an already difficult journey.
Your journey WILL take a more hopeful and positive path as you learn more about being a neurodivergent mom parenting your incredible neurodivergent children.
Comparison is part of any parenting journey. Counterfactual comparison with its emphasis on “what should have been” versus “was is” focuses on areas where our child is lacking. Social comparison with its emphasis on comparing two different children reduces parenting to sizing up our kids based on a preconceived checklist.
Temporal comparison and its emphasis on “where we did start” and “where are we now” provides us with a helpful way to measure our child in the goals that are suited for our specific child.
