How can I “make” my kids go to school?
School is threatening to call the truancy court, what do I do?
Why is school so hard?
How many mornings have you heard your child say, “I can’t go to school today” or “I don’t feel good”? It’s easy to think they’re just avoiding schoolwork or being defiant, but what if there’s more going on beneath the surface?
School can be an overwhelming experience for some children, especially those who are neurodivergent. Everything from tricky social dynamics to noisy classrooms to challenging school work can produce significant sensory overload. Combine that with hormones and the significant life changes. All this pressure to keep up and compete with peers can push kids’ stress levels through the roof! In 2023, the National Institutes of Health reported that over 92% of children experiencing “School Distress” were described as neurodivergent and 83% as autistic. When we acknowledge the complexity of this type of situation, we can shift from feeling frustrated with our kiddo to finding solutions.
Burnout vs. Defiance
Defiance typically means resisting authority, pushing back, or ignoring rules for control (and sometimes even attention). Burnout is a whole different story. The burned out child is emotionally and physically drained from dealing with too much for too long. They’re not “being difficult.” They’ve reached their limit.
Signs of Burnout
Recognizing the signs of burnout can help you determine when school refusal is due to overload, as opposed to misbehavior. Emotional meltdowns—whether at school or in the mornings before—indicate your child is struggling to cope. Physical exhaustion is another red flag. If your child is constantly tired, even after resting, or lacks the energy to face the day, it’s often a sign of burnout. You might also notice them withdrawing from social situations or activities they usually enjoy. This is their way of protecting themselves from feeling overwhelmed.
Cognitive and Emotional Overload
School can also be full of sensory and emotional triggers for your kiddo. Loud noises and unexpected events can easily overwhelm sensitive nervous systems. Busy classrooms disrupt focus and social situations like group work or recess bullies can create added anxiety for your child.
Even small demands, like switching subjects or raising their hand, can add up over the course of the day. With time, these small stressors can pile on until your child is completely overwhelmed. At this point, getting up for school can feel impossible—not because your child doesn’t want to go, but because their mind and body can’t handle it anymore. School becomes less about learning and more about surviving the day.
The Stress Response
Your child’s nervous system is highly influential in their response to stress at school, usually leading to either hyperarousal or hypo-arousal (shutdown).
In hyperarousal, their system is in fight-or-flight mode, making them anxious, on edge, or easily overwhelmed by minor issues. Lots of noise and demands can keep them in this heightened state, and refusing to attend school becomes an escape from constant stress.
Shutdown, or “freeze” mode, occurs when your child is so overwhelmed that they mentally and emotionally check out, becoming quiet or withdrawn.
Instead of punishing school refusal, recognize that your child is overwhelmed. Looking for a solution? Read on…
Reframe
Now that we understand the behavior on a biological level, we can shift our focus from compliance to compassion. Traditionally, school attendance is considered non-negotiable, and any resistance is seen as something to correct. But for neurodivergent children, forcing compliance doesn’t address the root issue.
Instead of insisting on getting them to school, we need to ask why they’re refusing in the first place. Is the environment overwhelming? Are they burnt out? Are sensory triggers or social pressures too much? By reframing this particular behavior, we can stop viewing it as defiance and recognize that something is wrong. From here, we can address the root cause.
Prioritize wellbeing
Many parents feel guilty when their child refuses school, especially when they “give in” and let them stay home. There’s pressure to ensure kids are in school, keeping up, and doing well, and when that doesn’t happen, it’s easy to feel like a failure. Worrying about judgment or your child falling behind is natural, but this adds pressure to a challenging situation.
It’s okay to prioritize your child’s mental and emotional health over strict attendance. School refusal doesn’t mean they’re giving up on education or that you’re not doing enough as a parent. Sometimes, a short break is all they need to recover. Trust that you know your child best and supporting their well-being now will benefit them more in the long run than following societal expectations.
Respect rest
Rest should be a valid, necessary response to burnout. Offer “mental health days” to give your child a break, allowing them the space to physically and emotionally recover. The day should focus on relaxation and quiet activities they enjoy.
Empathetic communication and offering choices
Instead of saying, “You have to go to school,” give options to help them feel more in control, like “Would you prefer to go this morning or after lunch?” or “Today or tomorrow?” Empathy and offering choices can reduce the pressure your child feels.
You can also offer choices in your child’s daily routine, like “Do you want breakfast or to get dressed first?” Making small, realistic decisions will make the transition to school simpler by helping them feel empowered and less overwhelmed.
Consider flexible attendance
Reintroducing your child to school may be done gradually. Start slow, maybe an hour of school, a single lesson, or even just going to a quiet room. Gradually raise the amount of time they spend in school, scaling it up or down depending on their comfort level.
This means implementing a flexible schedule, potentially in agreement with the school, where your child can stay home when their nervous system is in overdrive. An example of this might be allowing your child to sleep in and attend school later in the day. In the initial stages, focus on non-academic aspects of school to reduce pressure. Ease back into it by starting with art class, recess, or quiet reading time in the library without the added stress of academic performance.
Support sensory regulation
Make sure the school is allowing regular sensory breaks and access to a sensory area to help your child manage an overwhelmed nervous system. These sensory activities should be low-demand and enjoyable. Consider finding an advocate or working with the occupational therapist to help you brainstorm a plan with the school.
Maybe it’s time to make a major change
If these strategies haven’t made a difference in your child’s refusal to go to school, you may want to consider other solutions that may feel more out-of-the-box and address your child’s specific learning style. These can include hybrid/online options, outdoor education or “forest schools,” homeschooling, or alternative assessment methods. Be sure to involve your child in the decision-making process. When they feel included, their anxiety around school can decrease, and they may be more open to trying new approaches. Let me know if you have a solution not listed above that works well for you!
